Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, you make complete sense. And my shyness at promoting certainly doesn't help, though I plan on doing a little more once I've reached the end.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. And the compliment! You're so kind. ;)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Yes, please do promote. I'm more likely to read those long stories when they're finished. I'm only starting June's, which will be my first SS/HG story. I'm scared of them, personally, because of the large dork fanbase that supports that pairing.

If it helps, you're listed on my friends page in dark blue (that means interesting people). Am I supposed to alternate letters with dark blue and green? (Green is for journals of people I've followed simply because of their writing. I might get to know them later.)

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with your head and your heart not seeing eye-to-eye. That's my biggest problem. I know this, but feel that. It's very frustrating.

You're cool, and there's a bunch of us here who are paying attention. No squees, but it does sound like a fairly intelligent group of people. (I may be wrong, but I'm going by the posts I read here.) For once, I'm counting myself among them. I wouldn't waste my time on you if you weren't worth talking to. That's cold and blunt, but it's true.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you for the thumbs-up! I really appreciate it. I'm totally blushing now...this is such a nice comment that I know I'm going to go back and read it again several times whenever I need a pick-me-up.

:)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

You're a cheap date. (So to speak.) My compliment wasn't exactly the warm and fuzzy that most people give, so I am glad that you took it in the spirit in which it was intended. Keep on going. That's all we can do. (Plod, plod, plod...)