Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[mariannelee.livejournal.com]

I am sort of in the same boat. I'm not worried so much about the hit counts and the reviews, because the readers I do get are extremely loyal. And I've never had a lot of bad reviews, so the ones I get really give me a boost. It does make me a little sad, because I believe my work is good. (Your's is, by the way :-)

However, with my readers telling me that my stuff is some of the best they've ever read, and I'm their favorite author, I do sort of wish I would get nominated for something. I want peer approval, probably more than fan approval, and I know if I ever get that damn novel written, it will be the same.

Here are some thoughts, though, that might put this in perspective:

For one, neither you nor I are writing SS/HG fiction. They are by far the most popular in the fandom. So, we are never going to get the reader base that some of the other HP writers that we know are getting.

Two, we are not writing typical SS/OFC stories, either. You are on chapter 63 and haven't had anything more than a shadow of possible romance. I'm convinced that sex and romance matters. In fact, I believe it is the prime motivation for writing and reading fanfiction for the vast majority of people in the community.

Three, neither of us pimp our works. I often neglect to even announce when I have a chapter up, although I try to get it into my LJ. Some of these authors will post chapter announcements to every single HP fanfic group they belong to. I'm sure you have people on your flist who write about their work in their LJ all the time.

Without readership, you are that much less likely to come to the attention of whomever it is that nominates these things. Pure and simple.

It isn't a matter of how good your work is, but a matter of taste, style and exposure.

Hope this helps,
Marianne

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Yes, you make complete sense. And my shyness at promoting certainly doesn't help, though I plan on doing a little more once I've reached the end.

Thank you so much for your thoughts and advice. And the compliment! You're so kind. ;)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Yes, please do promote. I'm more likely to read those long stories when they're finished. I'm only starting June's, which will be my first SS/HG story. I'm scared of them, personally, because of the large dork fanbase that supports that pairing.

If it helps, you're listed on my friends page in dark blue (that means interesting people). Am I supposed to alternate letters with dark blue and green? (Green is for journals of people I've followed simply because of their writing. I might get to know them later.)

Anyway, there's nothing wrong with your head and your heart not seeing eye-to-eye. That's my biggest problem. I know this, but feel that. It's very frustrating.

You're cool, and there's a bunch of us here who are paying attention. No squees, but it does sound like a fairly intelligent group of people. (I may be wrong, but I'm going by the posts I read here.) For once, I'm counting myself among them. I wouldn't waste my time on you if you weren't worth talking to. That's cold and blunt, but it's true.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Wow, thank you for the thumbs-up! I really appreciate it. I'm totally blushing now...this is such a nice comment that I know I'm going to go back and read it again several times whenever I need a pick-me-up.

:)

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

You're a cheap date. (So to speak.) My compliment wasn't exactly the warm and fuzzy that most people give, so I am glad that you took it in the spirit in which it was intended. Keep on going. That's all we can do. (Plod, plod, plod...)

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Good points. I fall into your category as well. I aviod SS/HG like the plague, I wrote an OFC fic in which there is some romance but there's surprisingly little smut (despite what some people think) and I've never pimped.
I started writing for a small group of friends purely for enjoyment--it was actually a bit of a joke at first. Sometime during the course of writing, I met a bunch more people and as they heard about bits and pieces they wanted to read it and I ended up archiving it because it was just easier than emailing it. I had no idea the size of the "market" and was always surprised when a review from a complete stranger showed up. After posting a short synopsis of the fic once it was finished on the "completed novel length fics" BB I was done. I knew the people who'd asked to read it had read it and apparently a fair few others had too.
I always kept the purpose in view. I was writing for fun, for entertaiment and for excercise. I never went about thinking, "now what can I put in here that no one will review negatively? What will get the most squees?"
Look at it like the difference between a book you'd heard about and have to go looking for at a store, maybe one published by a small indy publisher, and some overblown bodice ripper you can buy while checking out groceries. The mass market paperback is going to sell hundreds of thousands. It'll show up in beach bags all summer. It will eventually start "automatically" opening to the smuttiest page whenever it's put down. But if you really pay attention to what happens to that mass market stuff, you'll be amazed at how short-lived it really is. A month, maybe two at the checkout stand, then it's into the seconds bin and the paperback ten-for-a-dollar trade shops with the cover torn off.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Eighty new paperbacks debut each month just in the romance category alone. You can't escape the sound of pages hitting the dumpster each month as bookstores purge their shelves.