Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[gillieweed.livejournal.com]

Good points. I fall into your category as well. I aviod SS/HG like the plague, I wrote an OFC fic in which there is some romance but there's surprisingly little smut (despite what some people think) and I've never pimped.
I started writing for a small group of friends purely for enjoyment--it was actually a bit of a joke at first. Sometime during the course of writing, I met a bunch more people and as they heard about bits and pieces they wanted to read it and I ended up archiving it because it was just easier than emailing it. I had no idea the size of the "market" and was always surprised when a review from a complete stranger showed up. After posting a short synopsis of the fic once it was finished on the "completed novel length fics" BB I was done. I knew the people who'd asked to read it had read it and apparently a fair few others had too.
I always kept the purpose in view. I was writing for fun, for entertaiment and for excercise. I never went about thinking, "now what can I put in here that no one will review negatively? What will get the most squees?"
Look at it like the difference between a book you'd heard about and have to go looking for at a store, maybe one published by a small indy publisher, and some overblown bodice ripper you can buy while checking out groceries. The mass market paperback is going to sell hundreds of thousands. It'll show up in beach bags all summer. It will eventually start "automatically" opening to the smuttiest page whenever it's put down. But if you really pay attention to what happens to that mass market stuff, you'll be amazed at how short-lived it really is. A month, maybe two at the checkout stand, then it's into the seconds bin and the paperback ten-for-a-dollar trade shops with the cover torn off.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

Eighty new paperbacks debut each month just in the romance category alone. You can't escape the sound of pages hitting the dumpster each month as bookstores purge their shelves.