Y'know...

[valis2]

Writing is supposed to all be about the writing. You're supposed to just feel the delight of transmitting your words to paper, ordering them, communicating. The money, the respect of colleagues, and the appreciation of the audience is supposed to be secondary. Writing fanfiction should be the same (minus the money consideration).

Most days I am quite happy with what I've accomplished so far. Most days I look over my fic with a sense of pride and a wry grin at its flaws. Then there are other days where I just think, What the hell am I doing?

I once watched a show that was about people who have a very specific body-image disorder that makes them focus on one "inadequate" body part and obsess over it until it nearly ruins their lives. One very attractive young man was convinced that his forehead was too big and spent his life consumed with embarrassment and shame. He would draw himself and his forehead would be gigantic, yet he would insist that it was "proportional".

So yes, I do understand that it's all about perception. Especially in the fanfiction world. I can take the positive things and arrange them and feel great, or I can take the negative things and arrange them and feel horrible. Today is one of those negative days. I'm seeing that privatemaladict and junediamanti have finished or are finishing their epics, and I want to be finished too, but I'm still covering that distance. I'm seeing that people are up for awards, that there is a top 25 (hit count) feature on Occlumency, and that tLS isn't involved in either.

It's so crazy. I react sympathetically to everyone else's posts about being frustrated at not having enough readers or reviews or awards, and I think, oh, I understand, but right now I feel so good about my fic. Yet here I am doing an entry like that. And I actually don't want you all to write "you're great what are they thinking by omitting you etc." because that's not my point for this entry.

In my rational brain, the part that is ruled by logic, I am thinking that it doesn't matter if I don't win any awards or get any reviews, because the writing is its own reward. I am thinking, I have enough positive feedback to last a lifetime. I have a story that interests me, and is practice for writing the next one. I am enjoying the writing tremendously, and I have plenty of reviews that make me glow. And I understand that awards have their own factors. Perhaps mine didn't qualify. Plus, as iibnf mentioned recently, this is all done for joy, so why are we competing with each other?

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

Just a moment of doubt. It'll pass. Tomorrow I'll be babbling about jell-o molds and reincarnation again, I know. Thanks for listening.

Comments

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

In my low self-esteem portion of the brain, I am thinking...I've been picked last for dodgeball again.

I think, in my entire school career (K-12), that I was picked last for games every time except once, when I was second to last. This did not include high school, by which time I knew I would be last, or second-to, because my friend Darren, who was openly gay in high school, was in my PE class. We would be last picked and knew it, so we never bothered to wait on the line while they chose teams. We leaned against the wall and talked, and then each went to a team. Unfortunately, we never got to be on the same team because of that.

When he wasn't in my class, I'd kind of hang out, or sit around, since I knew I'd be last. It made people really mad sometimes, since I was supposed to stand there eagerly and wait to be picked, or something. By junior and senior year, I know that's not going to happen. Even if I'm not the worst at whatever game we're playing, I'm going to be last. I didn't care at that point in time, since I knew it wasn't based on skill.

In grade school, I did wonder sometimes. Why'd they pick her? I'm much better at (whatever) than she is. But mostly, I knew by the time I was ten or so how the system worked.

Fanfic seems much the same. Although I write mostly for myself, I am concerned that someone actually enjoy what I write, since I'm putting it out there. Not squee over it, but think it was worth their time and effort to read. I'm especially paranoid about my rare pairing story, as this is being done for someone else. I've never done it before, and I want the person to like the story I've written for her. That's different from regular fanfic, though.

In the great dodgeball game of life, it's better to have a small, tightly-knit team of mates than it is to have a large, loud one full of idiots. YMMV

[valis2.livejournal.com]

In the great dodgeball game of life, it's better to have a small, tightly-knit team of mates than it is to have a large, loud one full of idiots. YMMV

Ha!

Though sometimes, if you're...say...Lord Voldemort, you can get the idiots to do quite a few helpful things...hee!

I love no longer having to worry about the tremendous amount of stress involved with school...it is lovely to be grown-up in some ways.

[bell-witch.livejournal.com]

Lord Voldemort is very powerful and ruthless. I am neither. If I was very powerful, I might be able to afford to be ruthless and could thus use people accordingly. But, I am not the leader type. I lack the charisma for people to follow me. I also lack the mentality to let me follow blindly. I wander alone, in general.

It can get lonely, but you also don't end up eating anyone else's dust.