Snape Dogma 05

[valis2]

While I was driving I had this thought about Snapefic.

Dogma 95 was a set of rules meant to revitalize artistic filmmaking. There were several rules, including using only natural light sources, no filters, no music unless it naturally occurred during filming, hand-held cameras, etc. (About Dogma 95 and Rules of Dogma 95)

I was thinking, wouldn't it be fun to have a set of rules like that for writing Snapefic? You know, post a set of "Vows" and promise to uphold them.

So of course my Snape-obsessed brain would not leave the idea alone and all weekend I kept thinking of vows.



In the interest of preserving a high quality level of Snape fanfiction, I propose this set of Vows for myself.

When writing Snape!fic, I promise:

• ...to keep his physical appearance as close to canon as possible. Greasy hair, thin fingers, yellow skin, yellow/crooked teeth, yeah, yeah, yeah.


• ...to garb him in black robes. Dare I even say billowing black robes? Oh, yes.


• ...to keep talents and weaknesses as verified in canon. Gifted at Occlumency? Check. Legilimens? Check. Talented at potions? Check. Bitter about the Marauders? Check. Suspicious? Check.


• ...to keep his dry wit and dark sarcasm.


• ...to explore the possibilities that canon leaves open for me.


• ...to keep his background plausible.


• ...to keep his control tightly wound, except in moments of true, unrelenting stress relating to his childhood.


• ...to make his relationships with other teachers believable.


• ...to remember how much he wanted that Order of Merlin in PoA.


• ...to incorporate canon truths as much as possible into my fanfiction writing.

When writing Snape!fic, I will not:

• ...make him wear a 'glamour' that disguises his True Beauty because otherwise he'd have to whack the students with sticks to get them away from him.


• ...make him smell like some inordinately sweet and intoxicating scent just so the Love Interest can catch a whiff and swoon.


• ...force him into Muggle clothes.


• ...make him into a vampire or dhampiel. Or even a quarter-vampire. Or an angel. Or a demon.


• ...suddenly give him a son/daughter that enrolls in Hogwarts. (Surprise, dad!)


• ...render him speechless because my OC said something to him that I thought was "witty".


• ...make him a virgin with Astonishing Sexual Powers.


• ...give him dialogue that sounds as if he's swallowed a thesaurus. He speaks well, certainly, but not that well. He uses contractions. Honest.


• ...give him strange Muggle hobbies like playing Brahms lullabies on a harpsichord.


• ...give him telepathic powers or a "life-bond" or a "love-bond" or a "soul-bond" with another.


• ...have a perky OFC 'win him over' with her excessive good cheer or her feisty spunky attitude.


• ...give him a ridiculously angsty background replete with physical abuse and torture.


• ...give him Snape Manor, complete with more trappings and more wealth than even Lucius Malfoy can imagine.


• ...give him a ridiculous family tree. Dumbledore will not be his grandfather. Voldemort will not be his grandfather. He will not be related to Harry Potter. He will not be a special magical Heir to anything.
  
• ...give him any special mysterious magical item that does not fit into the canon world. He will not possess some sort of amazing object that has been passed down through generations from Salazar himself.


• ...make him an expert in martial arts or weapons.


• ...make him fluffy, yearning, and sweet without a Personality-Changing Potion.


• ...have him perform a non-consensual sexual act with an OFC and then later that evening...or ever, actually...have them fall in love.


• ...bring an American OFC to Hogwarts for little reason other than to have her become Snape's One True Love.


• ...make him speak of his shortcomings and weaknesses without Veritaserum, or a prolonged relationship first.


• ...have any elves wandering about Hogwarts except for house-elves. There will be no Elf or Half-elf teacher mysteriously joining the staff.


• ...have an attractive Muggle Studies or DADA teacher who makes Snape's brain melt due to her overwhelming loveliness.


• ...write a storyline where he kills Voldemort.


• ...give him a mysterious power that isn't supported in canon. No fireballs from his fingertips. No telekinesis.


• ...be tempted to turn his private chambers into a Slytherin Love Boudoir complete with giant round rotating bed and disco ball.

Disclaimer: I'm certain that I can't be the first person to have thought of this; I just thought it would be fun.

Even More Important Disclaimer: And yes, I realize that meaningful, moving, and funny Snape!fics can be and have been written, absolutely, disregarding all of these Vows at once. These are just my Vows...disregard them as you wish!

Vows of your own? Comment and share.

Comments

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

...to keep his dry wit and dark sarcasm.

Keeping in mind, of course, that the wittiest, most sarcastic thing he said in the entirety of OotP was, " . . . and speaking of dogs . . ." -- which, um, magically sent Sirius into a frenzy. It had to be magic, 'cause it wasn't knife-edged wit that flayed him.

I worried about my ability to write His Dark Sarcastic Wittiness until I did a little rereading and realized it's . . . fanon. I love Snape, and I love people's Witty!Snape, don't get me wrong -- and the wittier, the better. But in canon, he's no wizard with words.

[valis2.livejournal.com]

I have to argue with you, at least a little. No, he's not Byron, you're absolutely correct. But he is definitely sarcastic and witty at times.

I'll just quote a few of his lines that seem to me to contain sarcasm/wit:

'Just the man,' he said. 'The very man. A girl has been snatched by the monster, Lockhart. Taken into the Chamber of Secrets itself. Your moment has come at last.'

'Mr. Malfoy then saw an extraordinary apparition. Can you imagine what it might have been, Potter?"
' No,' said Harry, now trying to sound innocently curious.
' It was your head, Potter. Floating in mid-air.'

'Ron gave them to me,' said Harry, praying he'd get a chance to tip Ron off before Snape saw him. 'He - brought them back from Hogsmeade last time -'
'Indeed? And you've been carrying them round ever since? How very touching...'

'He [Ron] forced Hermione to show Snape her teeth - she was doing her best to hide them with her hands, though this was difficult as they had now gone past her collar. Pansy Parkinson and other Slytherin girls were doubled up with silent giggles, pointing at Hermione from behind Snape's back.
Snape looked coldly at Hermione, then said, 'I see no difference.'

'Tell me, Potter,' said Snape softly, 'can you read?'

'I am here on Dumbledore's orders,' said Snape, whose voice by contrast [to Black's], was becoming more and more quietly waspish, 'but by all means stay, Black, I know how you like to feel...involved.'

'How touching,' Snape sneered. 'But surely you have noticed that Potter is very like his father?'
'Yes, I have,' said Sirius proudly.
'Well then, you'll know he's so arrogant that criticism simply bounces off him,' said Snape sleekly.

'Are you calling me a coward?' roared Sirius, trying to push Harry out of the way, but Harry would not budge.
'Why, yes, I suppose I am,' said Snape.

'...The mind is a complex and many-layered thing, Potter - or at least, most minds are.'

Danger lies before you, while safety lies behind,
Two ofus will help you, whichever you would find,
One among us seven will let you move ahead,
Another will transport the drinker back instead,
Two among our number hold only nettle wine,
Three of us are killers, waiting hidden in line.
Choose, unless you wish to stay here forevermore,
To help you in your choice, we give you these clues four:
First, however slyly the poison tries to hide
You will always find some on nettle wine's lef side;
Second, different are those who stand at either end,
But if you would move onward, neither is your friend;
Third, as you see clearly, all are different size,
Neither dwarf nor giant holds death in their insides;
Fourth, the second left and the second on the right
Are twins once you taste them, though different at first sight.

And my two favorites:

'Potter, when I want nonsense shouted at me I shall give you a Babbling Beverage. And Crabbe, loosen your hold a little, if Longbottom suffocates it will mean a lot of tedious paperwork, and I am afraid I shall have to mention it on your reference if every you apply for a job.

'I don't expect you will really understand this is magic. I don't expect you will really understand the beauty of the softly simmering cauldron with its shimmering fumes, the delicate power of liquids that creep through human veins, bewitching the mind, ensnaring the senses...I can teach you how to bottle fame, brew glory, even stopper death---if you aren't as big a bunch of dunderheads as I usually have to teach.'
'Tut, tut---fame clearly isn't everything.'

With thanks to snapesforte and Designer Potions (http://www.designerpotions.com/ss/index.html)

[imkalena.livejournal.com]

Okay, okay, she said grudgingly. I'll give you most of those. And with the man's shortage of lines in general, combing through all the books is necessary to get examples. I suppose we can extrapolate that he's the essence of wit. The clues are especially good.

BTW, just out of curiosity I took a look at your epic Snape/OFC. You did a really nice job with the opening! If I read het, I would definitely eat it up. :)

[valis2.livejournal.com]

BTW, just out of curiosity I took a look at your epic Snape/OFC. You did a really nice job with the opening! If I read het, I would definitely eat it up. :)

If it's the whole girl/boy thing that squicks you out, then I might as well mention that so far I have written 110,000+ words, and they haven't even kissed. I have created a system for a certain canon magic that isn't explored in the books to any great degree, and I've had a lot of fun writing a somewhat complicated plot. If you find yourself bored one day, maybe you can check it out again... :)

Thanks for the compliment!